I planned on breast feeding my children for as long as I can remember. My mom breast fed us and always talked about how much she loved it and how good it was for babes, and as I got older it just was further cemented into my mind as what would naturally happen. Kind of like natural childbirth, it became a passion of mine, but even more so than childbirth because there really was
no question in my mind about breast feeding. No research needing to be done, etc. Well, you all know how my natural birth plan turned out (for those who don't know, you can read about it
here)! My breast feeding plans could have easily gone the same route, and so it is with tremendous thankfulness and grace that I am able to write about the 16 month breast-feeding journey we were blessed to have.
The first night the babes lay in the NICU, a little over 2lbs each, a nurse brought me a form to sign saying that the babes could receive donated breast milk until mine came in. It brings tears to my eyes even now as I think about how thankful we were for this gift. If you ever have a chance to donate milk to a milk bank, please do! I was also brought a breast pump and after some brief instructions, I started my first of many, many pumping sessions. I know lots of women talk about how horrible pumping is and how you feel like a cow and so on. Obviously I understand these sentiments, but pumping truly was the only thing I felt I could do for Sam and Amelia in those early weeks. I felt awkward and in the way in the NICU, but when I came into their pod carrying container after container of milk from pumping I felt a sense of productiveness that nothing else brought. Still, as I write this, I see the faces of many of those mamas who were unable to produce enough milk because of stress or couldn't keep up with the pumping demands or just didn't have the energy to try. Oh how I wanted to just start handing out my extra milk to them. Anyway, thankfulness ruled the day in my heart for that milk, and I would never again take it for granted.
The actual breast feeding was such an enormous challenge in the beginning. We were supposed to start with non-nutritive feedings until they had practiced sucking enough to move onto sucking
and swallowing
and breathing (they were still only 33 weeks gestational age)! Well, even if I came straight from pumping, my milk would let down as soon as they latched on and they would choke, stop breathing, turn blue...all in a matter of seconds! It was so scary and frustrating and sad. Not surprisingly, Amelia had a very strong suck and would forget to breath whereas Sam didn't suck hard enough and would fall asleep or just stop sucking b/c he would tire out. I am telling you though, that boy's love language is words of encouragement and it was evident even in those early days! This may sound crazy, but he would stop sucking and I would whisper, "Sam, you are the best breast-feeder in the west! You can do this." and he would start again! I'll never forget that. Every feeding was supposed to be timed to the minute and that was also very stressful for me--I am just not a to the minute type of girl and was constantly forgetting to time them. All this while sitting in a rocking chair that we weren't supposed to rock in b/c it would be too much movement for the babes! Between watching the monitors to be aware of their heart rates, watching the clock hoping that they would feed for the required amount of time to be considered a full feeding, while trying not to rock in the rocking chairs I almost went coo-coo! Needless to say, it was not a picture perfect environment to start our journey.
Still, as the days and weeks went on both the babies and I grew more comfortable and determined. I learned to tune out the monitors, give my best educated guess on the time, and demand a non-rocking chair to sit in:)
By the end of their second month home, we stopped giving them bottles every other feeding with the teaspoon of formula to add calories and just breast fed them on demand. I had grown weary of pumping and it was just easier for me to nurse them instead of worrying about all of the bottle stuff. Though there were times of feeling like I was constantly nursing them (especially since I preferred nursing them one at a time) there were many, many treasured moments as well.
They became champion breast-feeders and the NICU days seemed like the distant past. The next challenge was mastitis, which was like a horrendous case of the flu, and my milk production went way down. Still, I really didn't even consider giving up as long as I felt they were getting enough to eat. What that meant was that for months afterwards they ate every two hours around the clock. It was exhausting but I don't even think I realized how tiring it was until it was over!
So, though I will always regard breast feeding as a beautiful thing, I definitely experienced the challenging sides of it as well. I don't want to ever come across as naive to the hardships that women encounter with nursing, because I'm not! This said, for our family, it was worth the struggle.
Things I never want to forget:
Staring into their eyes and wishing time could stop so that I could memorize every little part of their face. That super satisfied look after they would eat in those early months. Being able to comfort them, put them to sleep, fill their tummies and bond with them all through my body. Sam's huge smile after he would nurse during the later months. The way their little bodies felt snuggled up against mine as they nursed in the deep of the night when we co-slept and then in the rocking chair in the nursery. Tandem breast feeding and watching them play with each others hands., hair, feet, tummies, etc.
Hungry at the park? In the mountains? In the car? At a restaurant or friends house? Have breasts, will travel.
Most of all I think I'll remember the enormous healing that it brought from a rough, rough start. The deep attachment that it fostered is something I will be forever thankful for.
Our breast feeding journey is has come to an end. The babies are drinking whole milk at naps and bed time now to get some extra calories and that seemed to speed up the weaning process ( I seriously thought Amelia would breast feed for at least 2 years). In many ways, it makes life a bit more simple. Yet, the benefits that we all received will live on.
I have so much more in my heart to say. I guess I'll end, though, by posting a few of my favorite breast feeding pictures. After all, pictures are worth a thousand words right?
By a mountain lake nursing Sammy:
See, it wasn't always fun:)
And then other times were oh , so precious. (Sorry babes for blurring out your sweet faces.)
This is how I found time to blog in the early days:) Also, see how I have cheekbones in this picture? That's because I was I was pumping out a TON of calories nursing two babies every two hours around the clock. It was like dieting, but eating all of the food I wanted. It was my breast feeding diet. Have I mentioned that I've gained about 10lbs since the babes weaned themselves? Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
I have many more pictures, but don't feel like taking the time to blur out the rest of them. Thanks for reminicing with me about a part of our story that is very, very dear to me. Jen
