Oliver's birth story.

Oh goodness, I've started this story many times and just delete, delete, delete because I can't seem to find the right mood, the right time (currently Sam is talking my ear off about if the dinos he is coloring would jump out of his book and into our house:), the right words to convey all the emotion and all of the intensity and all the beauty that was Oliver's birth. Let me start by saying that overall I feel an extreme amount of thankfulness for the way his birth unfolded. I feel like it was a gift from the Lord, hearing my heart's desire and allowing it to be so.

As with the hardest moments of my life and the most wonderful, He used so many people to comfort and strengthen me and I want to start by acknowledging some of those as they are so much a part of the story.

*Thanks to my friends and family, who I called and texted for support when my blood pressure was "high" in the last weeks of pregnancy and things started to get medical very quickly- so many appointments, talk of induction, etc. It brought fear and frustration, and I'm thankful for those friends and sweet family that I know will pray,will care, and did. Thanks to the Hunts who, thank the Lord, were here during those weeks and tirelessly cared for the kids, made meals, did laundry, and much more. I literally don't know what we would have done. Also, to our doula team Aunika and Robynne, who answered every text in those weeks with comfort and empowerment. Those ladies were amazing and I highly recommend having a doula for your birth, especially if you have experienced birth trauma or if it is your first birth (but really, no matter what!). Thanks to Bea, an amazing acupuncturist, who helped in trying to get labor going before they induced. If nothing else, I sure slept better on those acupuncture days, which was a gift! 

Ok, onto labor and delivery! 

* On Friday, May 10th, I went in for a NST(because of the blood pressure) and then to get my membranes stripped to try to get labor started before a planned induction on Monday. When they called our name to go back for the midwife visit I saw a provider coming out of a room and she smiled at us. When we got settled I asked Joel if he had seen "the earthy lady with braids and a sweet smile" and how I so hoped she was a midwife and our provider for that visit. And she was. She was JUST what I needed. Soft spoken, intelligent, a good listener (oh, I laid it all out there), and just very midwifey in the best sense. So, we went ahead with the membrane stripping. The induction was called off for Monday because my BP was not alarming at all and she recognized this. I was so encouraged by the visit, to say the least. 

* Saturday morning at 1:45am my water broke. I was in bed and had gotten up to go the bathroom. Bam, here comes the water. I was like, "Oh my gosh!" Amelia, who was sleeping beside me sat straight up in bed and said, "What's happening?!" It was so cute and sweet. I said, "It's ok babe, my water just broke. It's good, it means baby is coming!!"  I let Joel know, texted the doula, called the midwife on call (who was in no rush for us to come in, so different than last time!) and then tried to get some more sleep. No contractions at this point, but hard to sleep after the adrenaline rush and knowing baby was coming. Keep in mind that with Jubilee my water broke, labor didn't follow, I got an infection and had a csection. So, though I tried to keep it at bay and remember this was a different experience ( I was already 3cm dilated, 80% effaced and having contractions on and off) in my mind the clock definitely started clicking when my water broke. 

Despite that, Saturday ended up being a lovely day. Joel and I ate lunch together at my favorite lunch spot, then went to Red Butte Gardens and walked slowly through the beauty there. It was so peaceful, really. We called the midwife on call again following this, and again she was not in a hurry to come in and start pitocin unless we wanted to. Because of our last experience, though, we felt like we were ready to "get the party started", and so we went home and saw the kids, rested a bit and then went in to the hospital around 5:30pm. 

* My initial BP was a bit high upon arrival, but no one seemed alarmed. I still was not at all in active labor. Our doula Robynne met us there and brought a tomato plant for me, which was so cute and funny. I had told the doulas when they asked about scents I might like to smell during labor that I wished someone made a tomato plant essential oil because I loved the smell so much! Haha

By the time we got settled in to labor and delivery the midwife from our Friday visit, Jessica, was coming on duty. Woo hoo! I was still periodically gushing liquid. I don't know why, but the whole gushing massive amounts of liquid thing was a real irritant to me. Just thought I'd throw that in there for memory sake. 

Jessica came in and chatted with us and suggested we get pitocin going. Of course I was bummed that my body had not kicked into labor on its own and knew that pitocin was going to make the contractions more intense than they already were going to be, but to avoid another infection scenario, ect. we were ready to go with it. So, we got hooked up and then went to walk around the halls. It was probably 8:00pm ish by this time. Joel and Robynne never left my side from this point on. 

* Labor is intense, there is just no way around it. I mean honestly. Ouch. Oliver was resting on my backbone or something and I have never felt pain and hope never to again like I felt in my back with every.single. contraction. Brutal back pain. BRUTAL. I kept thinking I would find the magic position to take the pressure off of it, but I did not. Robynne and Joel both pushed on and rubbed and applied pressure to my back with every contraction and that helped and I'm so thankful for them. But man, oh man. Thank goodness for breaks in contractions. I kept saying that over and over. At one point I said that hell is probably like one long contraction with no breaks in between. Heaven is probably like the breaks. Except infinitely better because there will be no pain in your future! But anyway, we chatted in between contractions and Joel made us laugh and we listened to a girl screaming her head off down the hallway (yikes!) and I marveled that this was it- Oliver was making his way down and my body was doing the work to get ready to welcome him into the world!! 

At 12 something am, Jessica did my first internal exam. 4cm, 80%effaced. Ahem. I was like, "Are you not discouraged by this?" She said she was not, things were moving forward, and just to keep at it. For some reason, I did not fall into the depths of despair or think about getting medication or what have you at this point. I was just happy to have the chance to keep going I guess. However, it did start to feel like the rest of my life was going to be working through contractions. They are just so intense and consistent and painful and I kept saying ( and thinking it ever so often), "Soooooo, how long do you think this is going to go on? I feel like it's going to go on forever." Of course, no one can tell you, so Joel and Robynne would just look at me and smile and tell me I was doing great. I remembered a text from Shanyn saying "Just remember that it will end!" and hat was encouraging.:) 

Things were getting intense and at one point I said, "This is just getting ridiculous." I moaned through each contraction then and the focus was so necessary. Not much chit chatting from me, the room was dim and quiet. Shari came and helped with ice chips and water (you feel like you are in a desert and will die if you don't get water or ice chips- right?!) and Joel took a short snooze somewhere in there and the midwife and nurse came in every once in a while. But mostly, it was just us, quietly doing the work of labor.

At 3:45 ish the midwife checked me because every now and then during a contraction I would feel pushy urges. "8 cm, fully effaced." SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS. One of the happiest moments of my life, right there. The work was paying off, things were progressing....I can't even describe the relief and happiness. Pure joy. No time to celebrate though as those contractions and extreme back pain just kept on coming. 

Then, right around 5am, the back pain left. Glory hallelujah, the baby had turned! The contractions turned into mostly urges to push, they checked me and I was complete, and ready to push! Again, one of the happiest moments EVER! Then our other doula, Aunika, came in. Robynne, who had tirelessly and selflessly served us for so many hours stepped back as her partner stepped in and coached me through pushing. I did not push long. Aunika really helped me figure it out on the pot and in my head I thought, " I can not do this for hours. This baby needs to come out now." I would start to lose control and think, "This is too crazy! I can't do it!" but then I'd focus my breathing and say out loud, " I CAN do this. Come on Oliver. Come on buddy." I wanted to squat while pushing and asked if they had a birthing stool. They got one, brought it in, the midwife was called out for something, I sat down, pushed once and the baby crowned ( I think I had pushed 8 or 9 times at this point)!! They got a mirror and showed me his head and I reached down and felt it. Aunika told me not to push, just to breathe through the next contraction, and out he came. 

Euphoric. It's the only word I can think to describe that moment. The midwife student caught him and handed him to me. Joel and I were crying and I was just saying, "Oh my gosh! He's beautiful. Hi beautiful baby!" From intense pain to intense love, in just moments. It felt miraculous. 

The midwife came in, and while they took Oliver to try and get some fluid out of him, she (who had missed the birth, unfortunately) came to check me. I could see in her face that something was amiss. Long story short, Oliver had come very quickly and I tore very significantly. I moved to the bed and she stopped the bleeding and then tried to start the repair. Ouch. It was very, very painful even with a local anaesthetic and some kind of drug for me that wore of too quickly! She worked for an hour before help (that she had been asking for since the beginning) finally arrived. The decision was quickly made that it would be best to do the repair in the OR for best results and with a spinal for me. Yes, please! Oliver was here safely, he and I had had time to be together and he had nursed immediately,  and he was currently skin to skin bonding with his daddy and mama was ready for some pain relief! 

So, off we went to the OR. Aunika was allowed to come and once again was such a comfort. I remember thinking and saying that I was just so thankful Oliver wasn't born in the OR, under those bright lights and sterile atmosphere. I will say that the anaesthesiologist was so kind and personable and I think even if I would have had a csection it would have been a different experience (for many reasons, one of which is that they are a Baby Friendly hospital). The reconstruction (oh my) took over an hour and then we went back to the delivery room where Oliver and Joel were still snoozing.  Oliver woke and immediately came to me and latched back on to nurse again. So precious. We moved to a postpartum room, said goodbye to Aunika and hello to some sleep finally, with Oliver tucked in right next to me. Ahhhhh. 

Jim and Shari brought the kids up later that afternoon. It was chaotic, of course, but so sweet too. Amelia stayed with me while everyone else went to eat dinner and she held Oliver and kept saying, "I'm just so happy!" 

* He was born Sunday (Mother's Day!) at 5:52am, 7lbs 4 oz. We went home on Monday after lunch. 

Healing physically has taken longer than I expected, but of course I didn't expect my vagina to explode when he came out either. Hehe 

The midwife said that it is healing beautifully and the pain will just continue to lessen, so I'm just trying to be patient. Again, thank goodness Joel's parents were here, that Joel had planned to take three weeks off of work, etc. 

All in all, I just feel so at peace with Oliver's birth. It was so hard and so painful and so beautiful and amazing and I sit here now holding him as he sleeps and just feel overwhelmed with thankfulness. 

Oliver, what a gift your birth was to us. What a gift you are to us. You beautiful, beautiful boy.

P.S. I'll add more pictures to this at some point, but if I wait to do that, it might take another month to post it:) 

Mammy is here!!

Only for ten days, and I already get teary at the thought of her leaving, but the important thing is that she's here now. That makes us all very, very happy! Jen

Tiny dancer...

Amelia's ballet class had their class presentation last week, and oh my goodness was it the cutest thing ever! We were honestly so proud of her. She is such a social creature that often whatever activity she is involved in is lost in the shadow of friends, friends, friends! Her ballet performance warmed our hearts because she was so serious (well, with a big smile on her face:) about her posture, her steps, etc. the entire time. Way to go sweet girl! 

I uploaded a bunch of video clips to our picasa albums. Just click "See our pictures here" on the sidebar of the blog. Here's to doing our best in all that we do- thanks for the reminder Amelia!:) Jen

Four little ones!

Our little friend Emma (age 8) asked me the other day, " So, how's life with FOUR children?!" Hehe
I told her it was great since I still have so much help, and that in a week or so it will be the real deal and she could check in again! :) So thankful for a gentle transition into life with 2 six year olds, a 20 month old, and a babe. It's going to be an adventure, I know that for sure!! All for now,
Jen

Day five.

It's amazing how different babies look from picture to picture in the early days! Anyway, this is my favorite from today- shows the little bit of chub he's getting on his face. My milk has come in and he's nursing more often, so the chub should continue:)

Babymoon.

Oliver is now 4 days old, and we've spent the last three at home pretty much camping out in bed together. This is only possible because of Joel and his parents and sweet friends willing to care for the big kids- including one sick toddler! I am soooo very thankful for this time with him. Time to just drink him in, watch his every little facial expression, get back in the swing of nursing, and heal from the delivery. Together. It's what I've hoped for for so long, and it's actually happening.

Was my labor and my delivery perfect? Of course not. I'll say this, there had to be some "reconstruction" done in the OR after it was all said and done. Ahem. Ouch. And it's taking longer for me to feel up and at em' than my impatience would like, though I know that very soon I'll be transitioning into life with FOUR little ones and need to enjoy this rest as much as possible!!

And this, this is worth it all. Not in the hospital. In my bed. With my baby. Bonding and healing. I'll take that any day, and be thankful for every moment. I have, oh, lots of pictures since I've been staring at him so much. I'll share some now and try to put the majority in a Picasa album soon. Love to you! Jenny

Oliver James Hunt is here!

He was born early Mother's Day morning and weighed in at 7.5 lbs. He is just beautiful and we are so very, very thankful for him! Birth story to follow!!

Quite a week!

It's been a long week of pregnancy ups and downs: " I think this might be it! Nope, but my body is getting ready for sure!"Midwives worried about my BP, another trip to OB emergency, all is well. " I think this might be it! Nope. Just another night of contractions. Im going to be pregnant forever." More tests to rule out preeclampsia. No preeclampsia, baby looks great, but yes on hypertension and an induction at 39 weeks, which is a week from today. Whew! Still feel like I'll go into active labor on my own before then, and certainly hope so, but am still feeling ok overall, even if we do go in for the induction.

In the midst of this, the house was overcome with illness. First Sam, then Amelia, then Jubilee, then Sam again, then Shari!! Sam and Shari diagnosed with strep and Jubilee with bronchiolitis. So yeah, it was a doosy of a week.

Good things happened too. All of the labor indicators were good things- pointing towards my body getting ready, which had not happened last time when my water broke. Jim and Joel cleaned out the garage- woo hoo for that!! I can't tell you how long I have been wanting a tidy garage! Jim also made a run for the chickens so that they aren't always " free ranging", aka pooping all over the back yard! Anyway, lots of productivity amidst the sickness and laboring household:)

So, today I just feel wiped out and thankfully got a lot of rest. It will be a big week this week- more tests, midwife appts, hopefully some acupuncture and other things happening to naturally get babe to kick things into gear....hopefully everyone feeling better in the house so baby can come home to a healthy, happy home!

But for now, I am just looking at this picture and feeling so thankful for this amazing family I have, including Jim and Shari and all those in Texas. I can't believe in such a short time another little life will be here with us!!

Love to you guys as we wait,
Jen

Jubilee's birth story...

I wanted to finally post Jubilee's birth story before little Oliver comes. I wrote it five weeks after she was born, and I think one reason I never posted it is because it's not flowery, or beautiful (in the normal sense), or what I would consider lovely writing. But that's ok. It is our story, and the raw truth was that it was one of the most emotionally difficult seasons of my life, dealing with her birth. A year and a half later, I still don't know exactly why. Hormones mixed with disappointment mixed with birth trauma? Maybe. I do hope Oliver's birth is a healing experience,whether it be a successful VBAC or another Csection, and I head into it hopeful. I also know time and attachment principles and God's grace will be there once again if there is more emotional pain to deal with. 

Here it is, then, and if you are a lover of birth stories then just sit down with a cup of tea and enjoy:) If you aren't, I wouldn't even attempt it. Hehe

Jubilee's birth story starts way back, really. It starts when I was still in college. I was working as a research assistant at the military hospital in Hawaii where Joel and I were living. My cubical for one of the studies I was working for was located in a office that followed up with at risk new moms. The nurses provided them with lactation, nutrition, and developmental counseling. It was there that I met my friend Pat. She was a childbirth educator and a doula (labor coach/supporter). She also stocked the office with Mothering magazines, which I started reading and L O V E D, even though it would be years before I was able to get pregnant. During my year and a half there, I pretty much soaked up whatever Pat could teach me. I could sit and listen to birth stories forever! It was during this time that my passion for natural birth and mothering began to grow. She planted the seeds, and I watered them. At the time I had several friends who had new babies and I got to observe their parenting styles and it quickly became obvious that a responsive, attachment parenting type relationship is what resonated with me.

 I had a friend who raved about Babywise. I read the book and then literally typed in , "opposite of babywise" to the computer search engine because I knew there had to be something else out there that guided mamas in a different direction. I found Dr. Sears. I sighed a sigh of relief. (Sorry to mamas out there who love Babywise. I know you can take principles from the book and not go overboard with it. I do it all the time with other books. It's just not my cup of tea.:) 

Anyway, I started talking Joel's ears off about all of this new wonderfulness I was learning about. Co-sleeping! Babywearing! Cloth Diapering! Limiting commercialism! Natural birth! I was so excited about it all. I drank it up, preparing for my role as a mama, which would surely come soon after I graduated college in a year or so. 

Well, as we all know, that was not to be. I graduated college at 22 and had Sam and Amelia when I was 26. During that time, my passion for these things just grew! 

When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I was pretty concerned about the birth. I knew there was a much higher chance of preterm labor, etc. Sure enough, they were born at 29 weeks by Csection (b/c they were under 3 pounds and Sam was transverse). I had some guilt. If I wouldn't have taken Clomid, I wouldn't have been pregnant with twins and probably wouldn't have gone into preterm labor and wouldn't have had preemies who had to start out life in such a not ideal way. However, my passion for co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing, etc. was taken to another level. It helped our family heal. It helped us bond. I was so thankful that the Lord had led us to attachment tools years before that would be so precious during those early months with Sam and Amelia. 

We decided not to use Clomid again, and thought our family would probably grow through adoption rather than birth and I was really, truly at peace about that. My interest and passion in birth waned and transferred to adoption. We all know, then, how surprised we were when we found out I was pregnant with Jubilee! 

This time I not only knew in theory that I didn't want a csection, I knew from experience. For this baby and for myself, I so strongly desired the opportunity to look into her eyes immediately after birth. To have her feel her mama's skin on her skin, to be comforted by nursing as she entered this big ol' world. To have my body not be numbed and to be alert and really feel the process of labor and birth.

I had a midwife that I felt confident in.  I felt confident that my body could do this (minus two visits with other midwives who bizarrely made me feel anxious about my ability to have a VBAC in the hospital and in my ability to go unmedicated). 

The morning came. My water broke at 5am on a Thursday. I was excited that that meant I could labor through the day at home and hopefully not go into the hospital until the evening came and it was more quiet and calm. A few hours after it broke I took a long walk, but labor didn't feel like it was starting at all. I called my midwife around 10am and told her my water had broken. She suggested taking castor oil and coming into the hospital around 3 or 4 if labor wasn't kicking in. 

Joel and I ate lunch at Cafe Rio, took the castor oil, took another walk, slept a bit. Nothing. I started getting anxious. My midwife called at 4:30 and asked us to go in to the hospital. I thought she just meant to get monitored to make sure baby was ok, but she clarified that she wanted me to start pitocin to get labor going. I couldn't believe it. We headed in, but were still unsure if it was the right thing. I mean, couldn't we just wait until labor started on it's own? I had heard/read SO many stories of intervention leading to intervention. For example, you take pitocin and your contractions come on so strong that you feel your body can't handle it, so you get an epidural. Then you are in bed because you can't feel your legs, your baby's heart rate starts to desat. Many times you probably just need to change positions and get moving to get baby's heart rate back up but you can't....Csection ( I know this is simplifying things a bit, but you get my drift)! 

So we stopped outside the hospital and called to talk with them midwife on call.  I told her how anxious I was about intervention and she reminded me that they weren't going to handcuff me and force pitocin, but it's the best way they knew to get labor started before I got an infection and headed toward a csection. I felt really torn. Joel called a midwife friend we know and trust and asked her. She suggested we go in a start the pitocin. "Think of it as your friend, as a way to avoid a csection." I got that. Our "sit in" was over and we headed up to labor and delivery. We got there and immediately saw a friendly face. My old neighbor Shannon was working and it was great to see her sweet face. Our nurse took us to our room and then quickly changed us to a better room. It was awesome. Such a beautiful view of the mountains, the room was huge, our nurse was the best! I mean, she was SO. GREAT. So calming, so wanting to help us achieve the birth we wanted, etc. I could feel contractions starting to come more regularly. By this time it was probably 6:30ish? She hooked me up to a monitor and I was having contractions every 2 minutes and was 2 cm dilated. She hadn't talked to our midwife yet, and just suggested we get up and moving to get labor progressing. So we did! The birth ball was great. My favorite for sure. Walking was nice too. Getting my stupid IV in was the worst! The nurse had to have the anesthesiologist come get it in because she couldn't. Uggg that was painful. Anyway, as contractions started becoming more painful my I naturally moaned an "oo-ooooo" sort of sing song sound and from then on it came out with every. single. contraction. That and my birth team (mom and Joel) were my coping mechanisms! Mom would sit or stand in front of me, reminding me to relax my body and face and hold my hands. Joel would stand behind me, reminding me gently of the same things and rubbing my pressure points on my hips. They were Amazing with a capital A and I don't know what I would have done without them! The room was dark and quiet, my hymns on my play list were playing, my list of scriptures were on the bed for me to read. Our nurse just came in once in a while to readjust monitors, etc. A little after 12 she checked me again. I was at 4 cm, 80% effaced.We were all encouraged!  The midwife on call got there. She was the midwife who had discouraged me about my chances of a successful VBAC. I was thankful I got to labor a long time without her there, sadly. I could tell she knew our desire though, and she was trying to be hands off which I'm grateful for. My contractions started getting stronger. My body was pretty tired, but ok. Man, labor is painful! I have such a new respect for women laboring!! It is such an overwhelming, painful, beautiful experience. A few hours later, the nurse started the bath water and I couldn't wait to get in that warm water. Oh, it sounded SO good. 

I think around there is when my arms and legs started shaking pretty violently and my teeth started chattering. At first we thought I was just exhausted, but then I could tell I was running fever. Joel checked it and sure enough I was running a 101.5 temp. The midwife came in and said I probably had an infection. They checked me and said I was only at 4 plus cm and 90% effaced and we needed to start pitocin to get the baby out. The midwife said definitely no tub time because she didn't want labor to stall. Up to this point, Jubilee's heart rate had been fabulous. Now it started dipping. The midwife had to put on an internal monitor ( a must when using pitocin with a VBAC). This was HORRIBLE. She said in 30 years she had never had such trouble putting one on. It was incredibly painful and contractions were coming quickly now (we were using a breast pump to make them stronger- holy cow). The combination of my body shaking, hard contractions, the midwife trying to get that stupid monitor on...it was pretty terrible. It got me out of the labor rhythm I was in and I felt like things were unraveling quickly when it had all been going so well. Then Jubilee's HR really started to dip pretty severely with each contraction. The midwife said we couldn't do pitocin if she wasn't tolerating my body's natural contractions, but we couldn't let labor keep going on and on without me progressing because of the baby being likely to get the infection (I think that is why). She said she didn't know what alternative there was other than a csection. I was so, so, so sad and frustrated. I just hung my head down and started sobbing. She said she would give us a minute to decide what we wanted to do. It was one of those terrible positions that I feared in childbirth. I mean, I don't know anything about infections during childbirth or the risk in an infected baby, and this wasn't the time to research it! Her HR was clearly being affected, and changing positions wasn't helping.  So, we said OK.  I think my heart broke a little right there in that hospital room. I don't know why it affected me so deeply, but it did. It may sound selfish, I don't know, but I can't help feeling what I did. They gave me something to stop the contractions. The guy came to give me the epidural. I asked Joel to bring me my list of scriptures because I just felt so. sad. I guess there was a little relief that the pain of the contractions, that had become so overwhelming once my rhythm had been broken, was going to stop . Overall, though, I was just frustrated and sad. Then they said the policies had changed and my mom couldn't be in the operating room with us like she had been last time. Uggg. SO frustrating. Our nurse, who went to bat for us at every single turn, did everything she could but they wouldn't budge. They did let my mom go to the NICU where the baby would be whisked to as soon as she came out. It ended up she could see the surgery perfectly from there. How does that even make sense? Sigh, so many things in a hospital don't.

 Anyway, went into the operating room. I was still having a rough time. Then I threw up all over Joel. The very droll anesthesiologist says that happens with anesthesia sometimes. Nice. They started the surgery. It is so weird that during your baby's birth, which is now a major surgery, you hear the surgeon talking about their son's high school dance, etc. It's kind of the opposite of magical or empowering or beautiful. I'm sorry, but it is. It is sterile, and helpless, and disconcerting. Baby came, I heard her cry and then she was sent to the NICU. I told Joel to go and make sure she was ok. I heard someone say something about 8 pounds 4 oz and a good apgar score. Nothing after that until Joel met me in the recovery room. It's kind of hazy here. 

The next thing I remember is Joel busting in my recovery room saying they were wanting to give Jubilee a bottle of formula because her blood sugar was low. Uggg. Why couldn't they bring her to me to nurse?! Policy. Joel and I were both tired and grumpy and just over the whole hospital experience. By God's grace, our recovery nurse had had two home births and a birthing center birth and knew how frustrating hospital policy can be. She had never let someone go down to the NICU so quickly after surgery, but said if I could stand up and get in the wheelchair, she would get me down there. After some juice and crackers I felt up to it, and we did it! I met our sweet baby girl (though it is hazy in my mind) and she latched right on and nursed for a very long time. Her blood sugar went right up and never was an issue again. Thank you Lord for the gift of the right nurse at the right time! 

She had to be on oxygen and get antibiotics because she did indeed have an infection. We ended up in the hospital for seven days for her to finish her antibiotics. We only got to room together for three of those nights. I walked up and down the halls to the NICU every few hours to nurse those first four days (and nights). I was amazed how quickly I was healing physically. I only needed Ibuprofen (which is all I took with the twins) and could walk easier much quicker than my first csection. Sneezing and coughing were the dreaded duo. Ouch! Emotionally though, it has proved to be a much harder recovery. Maybe because it was less expected? Maybe because of all the what ifs? I don't know. I just felt very raw and like I was grieving. It has gotten better with a few weeks distance, but it's still hard for me to talk about. Talking to our midwife friend was really helpful, and Claudia, I think I may need a few more "birth therapy" sessions! She reminded me that God was sovereign, and could use Jubilee's birth for good (she said that she fights even harder for her client's VBACs because of her own Csection), and that it may take a long time to understand the reasons for it. That helped. 

There was beauty in the midst of all of the sadness. I had been reading "One thousand gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It's about seeing God's grace and goodness in the midst of life's pain. It was so fresh in my mind and I'm thankful for that because it reminded me to look for it while in the hospital. Here are some gifts I want to remember about labor and Jubilee's birth:

* Those hours that I got to experience labor. I will treasure them always. 

* Mom and Joel. My biggest cheerleaders in life, right there with me in labor, birth, and recovery. 

* Our nurse. She was a true gift. 

* Music. I loved hearing truth about God and how amazing He is while laboring. 

* Scripture. It lifted me up. 

* Flavored ice chips during labor. That stuff is amazing. 

* The laughter that came when I snuck an apple to eat and then had to hide from the droll anesthesiologist and then how he came and sat right next to where I had buried it under the covers and I was so afraid it was going to fall onto his lap as he put in my IV. Mom and I got a real kick out of that.

* Being able to move around as much as I wanted during labor, even though I had to be monitored. 

* A healthy baby girl. What a gift. What an unexpected gift our Jubilee is to us! 

* The nurse that allowed us to get to the NICU for that first feeding. She also, almost a week later, was the same nurse who helped me with lactation issues. I had a clogged milk duct and could.not. find any one to help me. Apparently with the down turn in the economy, they cut lactation specialists at that hospital. Now all nurses have "lactaion training". That's nice, until your nurse goes off shift and you never see her again. Wait, I'm supposed to be being thankful!! 

* Ice machine right outside my room. I think I drank my weight in cranberry juice with crushed ice while in the hospital! Mmmmm.

* A program that let me stay two extra days at the hospital with Jubilee, so I didn't have to go home while she was still there. For free. That's right. Amazing. 

So much more. Truly, lots of beauty and lots to be thankful for. Please know that I see that and that I know there are countless people that have loads more to grieve than I do! Still, I just usually stuff things or disregard them and I don't want to do that with this birth experience. So, there you go! Here we are five weeks later. So thankful to be home, to be adjusting to life with three children, to be growing more in love with our sweet girl every day. 

I hope she will be able to look back on her birth one day and know that her mama felt the overwhelming pain and beauty of her working to come into the world, the sadness of being separated from her those first hours after birth, and the healing that God provides through time and truth and attachment. Through it all, it creates a unique story. One all her own. I hope she sees it as a story of love. A bit broken , to be sure, but such is our world. Still, love rises about it...I hope her birth story points her to Christ, who was there through it all and loves her better than any of us can. 

Jen

After a day filled with reminders to speak respectfully and with love to each other (ie: mama about to tear her hair out), I hear this little conversation between Sam and Amelia while they color at the table.
Amelia: " I really hope you'll be a good Grandpa to my kids, Sam. I know you will be. I'll bring them all the time to see you, wherever you live."
Sam: " I will be Amelia. I'm going to live in Texas."
Amelia:" well, I'll still be living here, but I'll bring them to see you as much as they want to."
Sam:" I'll bring my kids to see you too. As much as they want to."

Sniff, sniff. That is what my mama heart needed to hear!! They'll get the uncle/aunt grandma/grandpa thing figured out. Hehe

All for now- just wanted to write that down before I forgot it! Jen

Little garden gnome...

I have birthdays and parties to write about and many pictures to post, but for now I just give you this little garden gnome. Jubilee is so funny, our only babe to really care about what she wears. Right now, this hat of Amelia's (Mammy made:)is a must for her and my gosh is it cute. When we are going out she pats her head and shrugs her shoulders if it's not hanging where it's supposed to be.
Also, a big thanks to Joelie for planting these amazing flowers- they bring us all such happiness. In fact, the kids have cracked me up with their daily " flower report". They go check the bed each morning and then come running, squealing, laughing, to excitedly tell me what new buds are blooming etc. and then we walk out together and take a closer look. Oh how I'll miss it when they don't get so excited about things like new blossoms. Sniff, sniff.
Ok, time for this mama to put the phone down and get to bed.:) Jen

Then/Now

Oh goodness, the birthday sentimentality is in full force today! Two days until my babes turn six! Gracious. Here they are at almost two, and today at almost six. Artists at work together:)

Comfy cozy....

What a sweet little moment to come across at the end of the day!

Glorious sleep...

Our friends the Cox's came over after the kids' Spanish class, as they often do, and the kids played their hearts out. Running through the house into the backyard, then the front, down to the basement, up to the bedrooms- from the first time our kids met, they have just clicked when it comes to PLAY! Which is wonderful. I think that intense play, along with the sunshine, really pooped them out today. I could tell Amelia especially was tired, and told her that when Jubilee went down she also needed to lay down for some rest. Before I knew it, the two bigs and I were snoozing in the big bed. It was like old times and it was glorious. Ahhhh, nap times with mama, I guess even almost six year olds need them every once in a while:)

Moments from today...

Oh, these days. These days are so rich. Rich with exhaustion, sweet moments, overwhelm, hilarity, frustration, surrender. I don't know how all of those feelings can quite all fit into a day, but I guess that's what growing a life inside of you can do! Today...lots like other days. So, I thought I'd grab a few moments and record them. 

* Beautiful, spring weather. Notice how brilliant the colors of Joel's flowers look in the front bed. Purple and yellow, two of my favorite flower colors for sure. 

* Trip to Sprouts. Jubilee, of course, doesn't want to ride in the cart and persists in whining until I give up and carry her (left her shoes at home...oops). Feeling a bit frustrated for my very pregnant self until I see another mama carrying her toddler and we smile at each other, and I just relax about the whole thing. Funny how that works. 

* All three get balloons as we leave. Jubilee, of course, doesn't want to have hers tied on her wrist. She's basically against restraint of any kind. Hehe. She is very, very excited about her "ba ba" and then we get home and sure enough it floats away into the sky. Sam and Amelia are SO sad for her- Sam even teared up. Precious. She gets over it quickly and moves on to spilling bubbles as we unload groceries. 

* Amelia decides to make something out of her ballet tights that have a hole in them. Dragon lover that she is these days, she decides to make them into a two headed dragon. I come across the "dragon" later in the afternoon and my eyes fill with tears of laughter at her tights stuffed with Easter grass and taped everywhere with googly eyes on both feet. Oh, that girl!

* Paper, there is paper everywhere! We are in the constant coloring/drawing phases and I go back and forth between overwhelm at the colors/paper everywhere vs. delight in their creations!

* The kids "whisper" too loudly and wake Jubilee from her nap. I almost cry. I had literally just made myself lay down to rest and really needed it. The kids run out to the back yard, escaping mama's wrath, yelling their apologies as they run. 

* I decide to try and clean the kitchen. I give Jubilee a sucker to keep her busy. Yep, I did. Next thing I know she is chasing Mama kitty, trying to grab her tail. So, I chase Jubilee saying, " No mam, what are you doing?!" Then I see Jubilee's sucker hanging down from the cat's tail, stuck in her hair!! Oh my. It was really funny, and gross, and thankfully it came out easily. Then, not very cleverly, I give Jubilee some watermelon in her high chair so that I can continue on my cleaning mission. What a mess! I give up on the cleaning idea until later. 

* Sam finishes a coloring page he has been working on for Jubilee for two days. He hangs it in her room by himself. Precious. 

* Jubilee just climbed up on the bed beside me, patted the pillow where she wanted to lay her head and snuggled down. She's a bit of a mama's girl, and I have to say, she's a pretty cute and hilarious sidekick. 

* The evening is winding down. I'm super excited to lay in bed and watch whatever I want to on TV and put my feet up. Joel is off to an awards event (City Weekly gave his outreach team the "Best at helping those in need" award in their "Best of" issue. It was a really genuine, sweet write up and my favorite of the work awards he's been given. Yay Joelie!). I'm going to get this baby in bed, get those big kids read to and tucked in and then my work day is over. I might give myself an award of an Easter basket Kit Kat bar- you know, for pulling a hairy sucker off the cat and things like that. 

Lots of love to you, folks. I hope your days are rich as well, and that we can all giggle when we think back on the sometimes overwhelmingness of daily life. Especially when 33 weeks pregnant. My goodness. Still, so very thankful for this life. So very, very thankful!
Jen

Almost six.

I can't believe these two. Almost six! In many ways, their personalities are still so similar to when they were infants (seriously!) and yet, sniff sniff, they are growing up so much. I know I say it a lot, but now more than ever, I'm so glad they have each other. As they start to navigate friendships and the great big world in new ways and with more awareness, I think they are finding lots of comfort in each other. Before I took these pictures they were in each other's rooms for hours playing dragons, Barbies, etc. and Joel and I were marveling at how much they still just " do their thing!"
Ahhh, how we love them. A love that seems to grow deeper with every year.
Jen

Good day, sunshine!

Whew, at long last the sunshine has arrived! We won't be putting our winter clothes away for a while because I know there is sure to be more cold to come, but we sure are enjoying the signs of Spring! Meals out on the front porch, the kids digging in the backyard for worms ( and now the extra bonus of feeding them to the chickens!), sunshine pouring through the windows, frequent walks to the park, kids pouring out of their houses and into yards and sidewalks, and our Spring book basket full of bunny tales and baby animals, Saint Patrick and Easter...ahhh. We were ready! I guess that's all for now..well, a couple other random exciting things:
*I passed my glucose test! Was a little worried since baby is measuring large, but all is well. We are trying for a VBAC again and are at a great hospital to give it a go. We will have a doula with us this time, which I think will be super helpful.
* Sam scored his first goal in soccer tonight- yay! He was SO excited and ran over to the side towards me but since I had jubilee in my lap and am slow getting up these days anyway, his buddy Cole was there to give him a big hug...so sweet!
Ok, all for now!
Jen

Sleepy Sunday.

I'm not sure why we are all so sleepy today, but we sure are! Sam conked out in
church and was snoring loudly, Jubilee was asleep on Joel's shoulder by the time we were walking out of church, and we are all ready for bed and it's not even 7 o'clock!
I mean, being sleepy for me is kind of a constant these days...I'm thirty weeks pregnant, measuring 33weeks and definitely feeling my body s l o w i n g down. Entering the home stretch....whew! This pregnancy has been easier than Jubilee's but definitely still a challenge. Oh little Jubilee, I can't believe she is about to be a big sister!! Wild, man, wild.
Ok, I better go help get little ones out of the bath and into their beds. Hope you had some rest this Sunday! Jen

All tuckered out...

The crux of it, really.

This morning Amelia left for ballet with friends and Sam, Jubilee and I decided to take a walk in the morning sunshine ( and wind!). Sam immediately started talking about what we were seeing in nature, what God made/man made, etc. Then he started asking some really depthy questions about the Bible and God and ended the conversation by saying," Mom, that really makes me want God to talk to my heart about some things." Oh man, what an unexpected, never could plan it, sweet conversation with my almost six year old Sammy.
As we kept walking I thought, " This is why I do it, this homeschooling thing. " There are challenging days to be sure, there are frustrating moments and logistics (toddler!) that are like a puzzle I can't quite figure out...but then we have conversations like that or I hear conversations between siblings and I think, " It's so worth it all." For our family, for this time, it is. To have days that aren't hurried, to have time to walk and talk in the mid morning sunshine, to just live our days together- it's what I want for us and I'm thankful to be given the chance to do it. I'll write more about the specifics of the challenges and "triumphs" another time, but that's the crux of it, really.:)
Here are some of my recent favorites of life at home...Jen