Bittersweet slumber...

"She's sleeping better. She's sleeping better. She's sleeping better", I tell myself for the third time as i walk into the nursery for a 10pm feeding. I sit down in the rocking chair and scoop her up, hammock and all, to quiet her cries for milk. While I'm holding her and feeding her I get a little teary. Happy that her transition to sleep has improved(like Marilee said in her comment, it just makes sense for babes to sleep well in hammocks,especially for babes so used to sleeping in slings and on porch swings and in their mama and papas' arms), but missing her so in our family bed. Joel even mentioned that maybe he, Sam and I could sleep on the futon mattress underneath her! I miss the way she eats and eats and then suddenly unlatches and throws her head back, sound asleep. I miss kissing her chubby little hands deep in the night as we shift bodies for feedings. As I hold her in the rocker and watch her fall asleep I think to myself, " This must be what it feels like to have child leave home for college or to travel or work." Then I realize with dread that it doesn't even come close as she is literally only about 15 feet from our bed! Still, as I look down at her little face , I can't help but kiss all over her little cheeks in a rush of love. A rush of love that I imagine comes with each little piece of letting go.

You may say, "Come on Jenny. Most (American) babes sleep in a crib from day one. Get over it." Or, maybe this is just what I tell myself:) I must say that I suspected long before our babes were conceived that we would be a co-sleeping family. It just seemed like it would be a fit. When Joel fell in love with sleeping with the babes, it was like someone giving me a gift of the most precious nature. I believe it not only provided me with much,much more sleep in the early months than I would have ever received running back and forth to a nursery to feed two babies, but I also believe it was healing for us as a family. The babes slept in a busy, noisy NICU for the first two months of their lives. Though Joel was able to bond with them pretty quickly, it took longer for me. I believe that together with breastfeeding and babywearing, co-sleeping healed the attachment gap that the surgical birth and prolonged seperation left in it's wake. So, now, as we have to make some changes in order to help the babes learn that night time is for sleeping( or at least sleeping for longer than 2 hour spurts) and daytime for eating, it is bittersweet (and not without it's challenges. Amelia still wants my face smushed up against hers when she is falling asleep and she panicks a bit when she wakes up and it isn't there. I think she misses us too.) .

I think by having two babies at the same time, the Lord is helping me to hold them with more of an open hand. Though we will continue attachment parenting these babes, Amelia's little hammock is a reminder that we there will be always be little growing pains. Little areas that we have to learn to let go.

And so, as I thought through all of this while rocking and ended up with a more resolute feeling, I kissed her little nose one last time and let her go to swing peacefully through the air in her new, big girl hammock.

Here is a little video of it in action for you followed by more of the giggling babes. Jen