RAW REFLECTIONS

I figure the best way to relay true feelings is to be raw and fearfully open with them; it is then that I am truly able to express and communicate, and then the listener can reciprocate with a kind of understanding that is not achieved with a more superficial kind of communication. It is with this openness I want to divulge my thoughts about fatherhood.

I have always been a sound sleeper, almost a pathologically sound sleeper, sleeping through tornadoes in Texas, in the bathroom while I should have been in the kitchen on KP during Basic Training, and under a poncho with wild hogs in Hawai’i. However, I do not think I have had one good night’s sleep since finding out Jenny is going to have twins. I am not sure exactly what happened that made it so shocking from expecting one baby to two that I have a harder time sleeping, but that fact remains that I indeed do not sleep as well. I guess I’ll work through it with you, the reader. I have great fear and trepidation standing on the edge of fatherhood, just that word has taken on a whole new almost scary meaning. I suppose every expecting father, and mother, goes through some sort of fear and anxiousness of becoming a parent, it’s only natural. It’s a good thing I believe, it helps us to prepare in a way that we would not otherwise.

I’ll share my worries.
I worry about the health of the babies and Jenny. Pursuing a career in health care seems to be a great thing, and it is a wonderful endeavor on so many levels, but it comes with a curse as well, knowledge. Knowing many of the possibilities that can go wrong with the fragile organs and tissues of a developing body can gnaw at my mind and soul. Knowing about the problems that can arise in pregnancy and childbirth for the mother is doubly, in this case triply, worrisome, a worry for each beating heart. Life, and especially the beginning of it, is diabolically opposed to itself because it is both so incredibly fragile and yet so miraculously resilient and enduring. This is a true reflection of a Creator and that He is in total control, He creates and controls, the answer to my worry.
I worry about paying for the birth, what if the birth is too early and the twins need ICU care? What if Jenny needs the same or similar care? How am I, are we, going to afford that? Where in the world do we start to try and find the answers to these fiscal questions? Why do I have to be so bad with financial matters?.
I worry about school and the ability to be successful while going down this double road of pregnancy and then childbirth. I worry about what would happen should something go awry and I miss so much school, what then? I cannot quit school, for I now need this education more than ever to be able to better provide for a family that is going to expand exponentially. But what if…?
I am selfishly concerned about me. This is where being raw hurts, exposing the less than desirable parts of myself that I wish did not exist but most certainly do. I have a nomadic heart, an adventurer’s soul, the knowledge of what’s around the bend calls me like a siren, I want to see the world and all it’s people. Tell me how in the world that is compatible with twins? Jenny and I went about ¾ of a mile down the road to a restaurant the other morning for pancakes and I watched the work involved in taking care of one infant by two different couples, double that work and it seems nearly impossible. I still want to backpack and take road trips to National Parks and do missions trips and climb mountains. I cannot be fully honest without saying that I feel this part of me dying, not to be lived again. I feel like I will be cut short of many things I want to do in life. I hate this truth about me, but it is still truth in spite of the fact that I have been blessed to do so many wonderful things thus far in my life.
I worry a lot about being a good father. The above paragraph sort of sheds some light on why. I know that having twins is going to be a massive and amazing adventure, one that will most likely surpass any adventures I have had or will have in my life. I know the answer to my worries. I know that God is more than capable of caring us through this. I know that I will absolutely and completely love my little guys (used without regard to gender) and cannot imagine life without them. I know I have the love for my future kids. But just having the love does not make me a good father. That’s another thing, I don’t just want to be a good father, I want to be a great one, one whose kids cannot wait to see him. One whose teenagers are proud of him, I know that seems impossible but I’ve seen it happen. I want to know what to do in every situation. I want to know that I will be a balanced husband, father, employee, church member, active citizen, and, yes, adventurer. How in the world does one find a balance in that? How does a father know when it is appropriate to be near safety or abandon safety and put complete trust in God? In other words, where is the paternal line between trust and stupidity? I know myself enough to know that I am fully equipped and quite capable of making very stupid mistakes; I do not want to make one for three other people. I want to be an excellent father, dad, daddy, pops, papa, or whatever the word will be. I just want to be the best for my kids and my wife.
I worry about not worrying about the right things.

Those are only a smattering of the thoughts coursing through my mind, which is probably the reason why my ability to sleep deep has become impaired. I now feel the weight of responsibility like I have never felt it before. I guess I am growing up, as mom used to say.

So, as I alluded to, I know that I can give the Sunday school answer and say that God can cover all my worries and that I should cast all my cares on Him and He will care for me, which I know is 100% true, but nonetheless, I still have those real worries. I am a man, a frail human in comparison to my magnificent Creator who is in control; it is that I must relinquish my puny control to Him in order to find better rest and the answers to the questions I have asked.

I will end by saying that I have the best wife to make the best mother a man could ask for, I say that without reservation and to the fullest measure. Jenny is already a wonderful, wonderful mother. My friend Uaisele was over tonight and he said to Jenny, referring to her and her pregnancy, “Jenny, you are a beautiful woman.” I could not agree more.