Mid morning sunshine....

We woke up late today, those babes and I. We woke up late and ate eggs with black beans and cheese on top, a favorite for all. We pulled up the shade and saw the sun shining and bundled up quickly for a trip outdoors. I, once again, lay flat on the ground looking up at the sky while Sam and Amelia ran around gathering sticks and crunching in the snow. After a while I got out our little sled and asked if they wanted a ride around the backyard first. It is a sled made for one and so as I piled Sam on top of Amelia's lap I thought she may revolt but instead she gave him a kiss on his head and said, "awwww". Then as I tugged them forward she wrapped her arms around him and as we circled the yard she kept patting his little chest.

After a few laps I decided to take them on a walk around the block and we headed out. We walked at a snail's pace, stopping for Sam to examine all of the "TUCK!" s and to watch the birds chirping around our neighbors feeders. I lured them home with the promise of a snack and tucked them in for a nap soon after.

Like I read another twin mom write about on her blog this morning, my beginning as a mama was far from perfect. My dream of a natural birth went down in flames. The instant bonding that every mother hopes for did not happen. It took weeks and even months for true bonding and healing to begin for us all. Once they came home from the NICU, having two infants meant that holding one and just staring at them and soaking them in almost never happened. At the end of the day, I often felt inadequate and like there was simply no way to love and care for them in the way I desired. Things didn't look the way I imagined they would. At all. When people would see us out and tell me that they dreamed of having twins I thought, "If only you knew the reality of it lady!" You see, I never dreamed of having twins. Quite the opposite.I wanted the luxuray of pouring love into my babies one at a time! So, when I would see a friend/aquaintence who was able to parent their babe with the attachment that I had planned on for so long, my heart would feel a tug. When babies much younger than the twins would reach (and still do) milestones before them, it put a little knick in my motherly pride. It's hard to admit that. So, though I feel like I have sought and found the joy of every day with the babies pretty consistently, there definitely have been days that I mourn the "loss" of a bit more simplicity that comes with starting your mothering career with one babe instead of two.

Just lately, though, the tide is turning in my heart. When I see Amelia rub Sam's back or kiss his little head, or when he sees her in time out and rushes to her aid...when they march out of the room together looking behind at me like ,"See you later mom" and then run back in moments later giggling...I think, "Thank you Lord, for this gift of two." I know I have written about appreciating their twinness before so that may not sound like a big deal, but I honestly don't think I have ever had a thankful heart towards the Lord for twins (as madly as I love them both individually). I know there will be hard days ahead. I can't even imagine how complex things will be adding another little soul into the family one day, but God is an intentional God. He often gives gifts that refine us I think. Having two has humbled me as a mama, it has forced me to be far more laid back then I would have been with one and at the same time have a bit more structure in my life, it has caused me to be adaptable (I almost never go to playgrounds alone with two mobile toddlers, but the museum and library and gardens, etc. are doable--I could look at it as limiting or just adapt and find things that are a fit for us), it has stretched me and grown me, caused me to ask for help, admit my limitations, pulled me out of my often lethargic ways and so, so much more.

And so today, as we walked in the mid morning sun, I thanked Him. I acknowledged once again that these little hands that held mine were indeed blessings, individually and as a duo. I hope that I will continue to remember that in the days to come when the sun may not shine so brightly as we walk together.

All for now,
Jen

The sentimental journey towards the second birthday continues....