A story of life and letting go...

Oh goodness, I have been putting off writing this post because it is just. so. complicated. Such is life, I guess, messy and complicated and not the nice, neat package that we all desire.

The bottom line is that we decided to postpone our adoption plans. It was a hard and very emotional decision.

It was a bumpy road from the very beginning, really, but I know many adoption journeys are. Looking back, we realize that Joel felt we began the journey too soon. We began without a firm foundation of how we would pay the enormous adoption costs (while paying off some credit card debt,etc) and without a foundation of knowledge about adoption in Ethiopia. We just knew we had always wanted to adopt, we knew it was a long process and that Joel had good income finally, we knew Ethiopia was currently one of the smoothest adoption processes, and we knew of a great agency with a long history in Ethiopia, so let's do it!

I quickly realized that the paperwork piece of the adoption was like a part-time job and I wasn't nearly as efficient at it as I imagined I would be! I also felt Joel's hesitance in getting his part of the paperwork complete. Now we realize that he was feeling pressured and I was feeling frustrated because I knew there were time limits in getting the stuff done!

And so the months went by.

Along the way, we gained knowledge about the adoption process and with knowledge just came more questions. We realized that one reason for the looooong wait (sometimes years once your paperwork was in Ethiopia) is because there is a long,long,long,long line of adoptive parents waiting for healthy babies to be born and come into agency care. In a sense, the demand is outweighing the supply! Meanwhile, there are millions of waiting children around the world who are a bit older or who have special (minor or major) medical needs who are waiting for families while families wait for babies. We realized we wanted to change our focus to a waiting child adoption.

We needed to do more research,though, on which special needs we thought we were able to parent, etc. Meanwhile, our paperwork was expiring (again) and we were having to basically start our dossier over. It just became too much. Too overwhelming for me to do alone, and after some difficult conversations I suggested we stop the process until we had time to get on the same page, take some time to establish a firm financial foundation, continue researching the many facets of international adoption, etc. It was a tough couple of days that followed. I just felt so very sad , confused, weary. At the same time, it felt right and also felt like I was able to release the process back into the hands of the Lord.

I know part of the disappointment was how it would look to everyone. Fail. We failed! I knew of so many friends who also desire to adopt and felt like somehow we would go before them and then be able to support them on their journey! I see now that it was pride.

I don't know why the Lord had us go through this process. I'm sure it was refining in many ways. Maybe we will continue the journey in the future. Maybe there is a child/children He will allow us to parent and love through adoption at some point. But for now, His plans are different.

Two days after we made our decision and contacted our agencies, my mom talked me into taking a pregnancy test. She said she just really thought there was something going on beyond my sadness and disappointment over the adoption. I thought she just didn't realize how deep my disappointment went. Also, we had not been able to get pregnant without clomid before or since the babes, and so why would I be pregnant now?!?! To appease her, I took one and it was immediately positive! So were the next two that I took! We were seriously in shock (well, my mom was not surprised at all:).

The timing. It was an absolute gift from the Lord. Not that I consider having "my own" baby any better or more true than if our adoption would have gone through. I just mean it is a gift that we found out about the baby after we had already made the decision to postpone our adoption. That the babe wasn't at all the reason we chose to stop the process. That may not makes sense, I don't know, but it does to me!

So we move forward, thrilled and thankful and so very surprised about this new life (only seven and a half weeks along). We still very much support adoptive families (hello, our neighbors have the most precious newborn baby Charlotte that I am totally in love with!), and would love to share any lessons we have learned. The most important being to be on the same page as much as possible with your spouse before you begin. Have the difficult, honest, raw conversations along the way as need be. Have lots of grace with each other. Research adoption. Read adult adoptee testimonies. Read about attachment. Read the hard stuff and read the beautiful stuff--there is lots of both. Talk to adoptive families. Find out their challenges and their incredible triumphs. And, finally, I guess we learned that it's okay to let go.

Whew, that feels better. Now you are up to date friends.

Love to you, Jen