I've had several friends say to me lately, "Are things really going as well as they sound?!" " You sound so happy....aren't you exhausted?" I don't know how to answer this really except to say that yes, I am happy and yes, I am exhausted. Happily exhausted? I think if you asked Joel he would tell you that this is indeed the most productive and content I have been since we have been married.....I think this comes from a few things. One is that I have wanted to be a mom for a very long time and so my overwhelming response to motherhood is thankfulness. Despite this, I will readily admit that having twin infants is not always a walk in the park. It has challenging, overwhelming, frustrating, and yes, exhausting moments most everyday . I just choose to talk about (and try to focus on) the joys because I assume you all know, or at least you can imagine, the challenge that two babies can be. But, just incase you can't and so that I don't ever come across as not being genuine , here are a few examples....
Last night as I fell into bed Joel said, "Do you know how filthy your feet are right now?They are totally black on the bottom! " My lethargic response was to continue crawling under our white duvet and manage a "Yes, yes I know. It's totally disgusting."
On the same note, the other day I rushed into the shower as soon as the babies were both sleeping and my first thought as I stood underneath the warm water was "Which body parts need to be cleaned the most?" Time management takes on a whole new meaning!
Often I look at the many lists of thank-yous I need to write, get a huge feeling of guilt in my stomach and just sigh and move on to the next dirty diaper, feeding, slinging, etc. .
Most everyday I think of errands that would be great to run or places that would be fun to go and though i have had some victories in getting out with both babes, errands have to be well thought out and preferably within walking distance(getting them in car seats, which they hate, and taking them in and out to do several errands is just not worth it...plus Joel and I share a car). So yes, at the end of many days when joel gets home, i feel like tossing him our two bundles of joy and running out the door into the big world of bookstores, Walgreens( I NEED to print out pictures), and Target and my beloved Taco Bell (sad, i know).
Then there are the times when both babies are crying...these are the hardest moments by far. Especially if I'm hungry (which is alarmingly often while nursing two babes) . Yesterday my lunch was on the counter ready to eat for about an hour and a half while I comforted, fed, rocked,and pleaded with two grumpy babies (Amelia wasn't feeling well and Sam needed to poop). Sometimes it turns into desperation. Which leads me to my final story.
Yesterday I had said lunch heated and ready to nourish my grumbling stomach when both babes simultaneously broke out into hysterical screaming. Hungry cries..i recognized them immediately. Now it had only been about 2 hours since their last meal so I wasn't expecting this ravaging hunger to over take them so quickly (which is why I think it is ridiculous that people think you can feed babes on a schedule that you set forth, but that's another story). So, my desperation was threefold. Desperate to feed the babes so that I myself could eat. Desperate to quiet the piercing hunger cries. And in my delusional hunger state I was desperate to finish a chapter in the novel I am currently reading. See, usually I read while nursing. But usually I only nurse one at a time. For some reason, I was determined to quiet the cries of both babes, feed them, and read at the same time. I didn't want to take the time to rummage in the closet for the enormous twin nursing pillow...so I did what every (?!) sleep deprived, hungry mama would do. I laid both of them on the bed and nursed them in a position that I can only describe as very similar to the yoga pose called Cobra. See picture above. I thought that maybe if I laid on my stomach I could put the book out in front of me and read ...but I really didn't think out the rest. One problem was, I was laughing so hard tears were running down my face and, well, you just would have had to have been there (though I'm very glad you weren't), but the babes kept getting frustrated because my laughing would cause them to unlatch.....let's just say it wasn't my most graceful mothering moment. Eventually, though, they were satisfied and I got to eat (the reading would have to wait for later:), and life went on.
All this to say that it does get crazy. And I don't always react by laughing so hard that I cry. But, I don't know, when you see a bed of roses you can choose to see the beauty or the thorns. And most days I can see the beauty and that is why I write about it and talk about it. It's a choice. Maybe along the way, things will change and hungry, tired delusional nursing will be the least of my worries. But for now, I am loving being a mama to these little souls and I love sharing some of the moments with you. And if the yoga nursing was a little much for you...
It's all in an effort to be real my friends:) Love to you, jen
